August 1, 2018- Angel Baby

Today is the day...

Today is August 1, 2018

Today is the day that I have been dreading for the last 9 months.

Today is the day that you were supposed to be in my arms

but you're not...instead you're forever in my heart.

November 22, 2017- the day before Thanksgiving. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Very faint, but there were 2 lines! I was so excited but so nervous, I literally couldn't stop shaking. 

I was cautious but optimistic. 

Instead of going straight to get a blood draw, I decided to wait another 3 days and then test again so I could see the lines get darker, just like I did with Zion. 

I told a few people I was close with- a few people in my family and 2 friends, but not many because of our history. The plan was to wait until Saturday and then go to the Dr on Monday to get blood drawn (they were closed from Thursday-Monday due to the holiday.)

I was on pins & needles all day on Thanksgiving...so thankful that I knew but at the same time not expecting the best outcome. Terrified because of what I had gone through before. Terrified that it wasn't going to last.

Friday came...November 24, 2017. That morning the cramps started rolling in...bad. I've been there before so I knew exactly what was going to happen. By that night there was blood...heavily. 

The entire past 9 months have been the most difficult for me. Zion's due date was August 8 and with this one being just a week before, ALL of my Facebook/Google Photos memories of being pregnant with Zion were a trigger. I didn't cry every time, but it was difficult seeing. I'd see myself pregnant with Zion and then instantly would remember where I would have been with this baby. 

I know what some of you are thinking.. "It was 2 days!"

Yes it was 2 days...yes it was an early loss, but it was still a baby. It was still my baby. My baby that I had prayed SO hard for. 

My baby didn't yet have a heartbeat but he was my baby. 

Yes it was early but I was pregnant. My body was betraying the natural process that pregnancy is. When that happens it isn't a walk in the park, I was in immense physical pain. 

My heart was torn into pieces and my emotions were off the wall because I knew what was coming and I knew what was being ripped from my hands and I knew that there was nothing that anyone could do to prevent or stop it from happening again. 

Monday, the Doctor confirmed it. I called for labs and told them what happened. They had me come in for a pregnancy test and a blood draw. The next day I was told that the blood draw was low enough to now be negative and would continue going down but that it was definitely gone. 

I only knew for 2 days, but in those 2 days that baby forever changed my life.

So today I grieve, again. 

I grieve for not only this baby but also for my 3 other babies that are not here with me. 

I grieve because I know its healthy and part of the healing process. 

Today, no one gets to tell me that my feelings are not valid or justified. No one can tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong or incorrect. They don't get to have a say in my grief. 

I won't let them tell me "Yes it was a pregnancy but at least it was early"...exactly. It was a pregnancy. Point blank. It doesn't matter that it was an early loss. A pregnancy loss is still just that...a pregnancy loss. A miscarriage. 

They don't get to dictate how I feel or don't feel today. 

However, on the same side, I don't let this control every part of me. I've had enough experience with this and other loss to know what healthy grieving looks like and when it becomes unhealthy. 

This won't control my entire day or life, however today I will remember and miss my baby. 

I will honor my child's life by talking about him and bringing awareness to the topic of miscarriages and infertility. 

I will reflect today and see the blessings as they are. Realize that every piece of my journey is for a purpose and preparing me for something greater. I will use those pieces to help others as much as possible..showing them that they are not alone in this fight. 

If you are reading this, I will gladly take any prayers. Prayers for strength, endurance, wisdom, etc. 

This path is not an easy one at all, but it's been given to me for a reason.