God will wreck our plans

It seems like I'm surrounded by a sea of doctor appointments.
A constant sea that is never letting up or slowing down.

Like I'm being tossed by continual waves and every time I try to get my head above the surface...another wave rushes and knocks me back under again.
I can't seem to catch my breath.


As I said in a previous post...Infertility is a lot of waiting.
Regardless of how long I waited before, I don't feel as if I've ever waited this long before.
My labs were retested and they were worse than before.
So now it's onto another doctor...except this doctor is highly sought after and his first available appointment is at the end of July in 2019. As of right now I have to wait until that appointment and hopefully be cleared by this new doctor to continue treatment.


If there was one thing that I have learned the most while going through infertility it's this: We can have all the plans in the world. How we want things to go, how we think things should end up...and God will come and wreck our plans to show us that we aren't in control but that He is.
It is literally a lesson that I "learn" over and over again. Not in the sense that I don't trust God but more so that a month will come up and I think to myself "Ok, it's a new month. It's going to work this month. This is how things will go"
And then that's not how things go at all...
I know that simply by telling myself that something will happen one way doesn't automatically mean that they will...just as well that me wearing a penguin costume doesn't make me a penguin.

Each time I think I have everything planned out God shows me that I'm not in control.
And that’s a great thing to be reminded of! However it is the most difficult thing for me...
I want this SO bad...I want to do everything I can in my power for this to happen, but I realize that I can literally do anything and everything I can get my hands on and it still isn't a guarantee.

That’s the hardest part for me. Not knowing if I’ll ever get another chance at it. The not knowing...doing all of these things, going to all of these appointments for one main goal, never knowing if it’ll even happen.

I don’t like not knowing, not having things under control...but that’s everything that infertility is. It’s constant uncertainty, never having a precise, black and white answer...with infertility everything is grey.
Topping it off, you feel as if you’re walking this alone. Someone who hasn’t gone through it has no idea what it’s like. They may want to support you but have no idea how to...or you get people that constantly diminish your pain and feelings, pushing them to the side and asking you to do the same for their own benefit.
You’ll get blamed for your feelings, you’ll get pointed at, saying you’re “distancing” yourself and while that may be true sometimes it's not that way all the time. You get ignored, walked over, brushed off by strangers, friends and even family.

It's moments like those that you realize that not everyone around you actually wants to see you succeed and support you.You learn a lot about other people but even more so, you learn a lot about yourself.
You begin to learn how much you can really handle without breaking down. You learn how to cope and get through the toughest of days. You learn that no matter how alone you may feel, how much you may feel like there's no one else in the world who understands what you're going through...that there are SO many other women dealing with this same issue. That there are some genuinely amazing support groups for your use and in those support groups are some of the strongest women that you've ever met. That no matter how you feel on any given day that you are not a failure...that you're diagnosis does not define you.
Above all, you learn just how much God really loves you. While I may not understand the plan or the path that he has laid out for me, I know without a doubt that He genuinely loves and cares for me.
Does that make the path easy? No, but it doesn't mean that it isn't worth it.

I've learned so much since struggling with infertility and I've learned even more suffering through it a 2nd time around. I've learned how much I can handle and how to tell when it's getting to my breaking point. I've learned how to cope and can recognize when my grieving could become unhealthy. I've felt so alone in the world, like no one else understood my struggle and no one cared. I've been looked over, dismissed, ignored, shamed, reprimanded and felt forgotten all because of my infertility.
I can't even begin to tell you the pain words have caused...I can't put into words the toll that it has taken on me in every aspect of life
.
But I've also learned that there are so many other women dealing with similar issues, feeling the same exact way and that when we reach out to each other and communicate that we no longer feel alone, forgotten or all of those other things.
I have been able to meet a number of other women struggling with some sort of infertility that have helped me way more than they will ever know.
I've also learned and seen that by sharing my story I am helping others as well. I am able to speak life into their lives when they feel broken and lost. I am able to help bring hope and faith to them when they have none left.
Without infertility I wouldn't have been given a chance with these women...I'd never have been able to speak to them and be received so easily.

I have a pretty good support group around me...but each day I feel as if I gain more people into my family.
What I thought was something terrible, something I considered the worst plan possible...God is showing me that my thoughts on it are incorrect, that there is a huge picture and I'm only seeing one piece of the puzzle.
He's got a plan for everything, even when we can't see His reasoning. God will wreck our plans and pave the way to something that is much better.