Still trying to process things

I can't tell you guys how many times I've sat down and tried to plan posts for this week...

I've been trying to come up with some solid ideas for about a month now and I had a few that I was tossing around but nothing that I set in stone.

If you don't know, this week (April 22-28th) is National Infertility Awareness Week. Each year Resolve sets a theme and this year the theme is #flipthescript in order to change the conversation about infertility. 

I thought about featuring other women's blogs who are currently dealing with infertility or have dealt with it in the past. I considered interviewing different women who have struggled with infertility. I considered doing a different themed post a few times this week...but it all fell through because of the week that I've had this past week.

When I think back on the conversations that I've had with my Dr & my nurse over the past week, the things that they told me run through my mind again & again....

I seriously cannot even comprehend how people think I'm making things up or blowing them out of proportion.

What I post is real...it's reality for me. It's my life...what I'm living. I tell it exactly how they present it to me & explain everything & I still don't think I do the subject any justice compared to how it is to be the one living this life.

Which brings me to this and I've been putting it off for almost a week, just trying to process everything....things have completely switched gears for me right now. 

My appointment with the REI was GREAT! Plan of action was to get labs done, if results were great we would move onto the Sono Hysterogram. If that was clear then we moved onto different medications, but if it wasn't clear I would have surgery, heal up & then move on from there. 

My metabolic panel was pretty much spot on, nothing low or high. AMH(egg reserve) was low & my Lipids were still high. 

Now I knew that if my Lipids were still high that I would need to go see a GI specialist before continuing on with the REI, so that wasn't a total shocker to me. 

However, this isn't just some minor thing that I can brush off...this is a major thing, health wise.

My REI (the fertility specialist) will NOT do anything else with me until these levels are within range and under control. During my conversation with my nurse I was told that I am not allowed, under any circumstance, to get pregnant right now. That their main goal & their main concern is keeping me alive(and me not dying) and that if I were to get pregnant right now, that it would very easily turn into a life or death situation.

That's not any exaggeration at all...those were the exact words that she said to me.

I even called them today to ask about the Sono Hysterogram to see if I could even do that right now and was told that we could do the Sono Hysterogram but if it showed that I needed surgery that it would have to be put off until everything was under control because they don't even want to touch me right now. In order to have the surgery I would have to be put on birth control and they refuse to do that with my labs showing what they are. 

So now, after doing everything I could do to try and get pregnant for over a year, I now have to do everything in my power to not get pregnant because no matter how much my heart longs for another child, I have to think about my husband, my son & myself and I have to set that aside so that I can be here for them. 

This is not something I've accepted yet guys. It's not something I want to even share, but writing seems to help me somehow & how can I be completely honest about living with infertility if I can't even share the toughest parts of it?

This past week has been the hardest week throughout my entire infertility journey, without a doubt. During the day it's like I can't even think. But on the flip side I haven't been sleeping hardly at all because I just can't. 

I can't even put this into words...it's taken me forever just to write this out...

As of now, I have no answers. No one knows why these labs are so high. All I know is that currently it is not about trying to get pregnant now. It is about keeping myself alive and then once I have answers or once everything is resolved then we can come back to this.

To those that have been there for me this week, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. This week has been everything except easy, but you guys have helped out & I will forever appreciate it WAY more than you will ever know. For those of you that may be hearing about these new results for the first time, I'm sorry if you get upset or offended about me not telling you personally. I honestly haven't talked about it much simply because I can't bring myself to do it. 

As things go on, I'll give updates when I feel ready and when I  feel like I can bring myself to talk about it. 

*After the week that I've had...if I have someone come to me saying that I'm making a bigger deal about things than what they really are, I will shut you down fast. You have no idea what it is to be living this, and I pray that you never do, but that does not mean that I will tolerate it or allow you to talk to me (or about me) in that way*