There's a lot of waiting
Struggling with infertility of any kind, you will quickly learn that it is a ton of waiting with a few appointments and answers in the sea of more waiting.
In the midst of waiting, you are constantly going through a roller coaster of never ending (or slowing down) emotions. Some days are better than others. Some better times last longer than previous good times.
I've learned that there is a lot of patience involved in dealing with infertility. There may be constant uncertainty. Unanswered questions. Things that are difficult to understand and process.
When the emotions would hit me I used to try and busy myself so much or throw myself into so many things to try to keep my mind off of everything.
However, the past month or so, I've really been focusing on enjoying the moments that surround me.
Even though our schedules clash, I've been making a point to spend more time with my husband. I make a conscious effort to spend as much time with my son as I physically can. Whether it be playing in his room with him, reading to him or rocking him to sleep.
Right now, I'm ok with waiting. I am perfectly fine giving Zion my full attention. That doesn't mean that the desire for more children is gone. It doesn't take away the pain of the ones I have lost. It just means that I am enjoying what I have because what I have is everything that SO many others dream of having. I've accepted that there is even a possibility that I may never have an answer.
Sometimes it hits me and I get sad. I get sad knowing that I would have just had a baby shower if my last pregnancy hadn't been lost. I get sad when I go to the doctors office and they ask how many pregnancies I've had and I answer "5"...then I have to tell them that out of those 5, I only have 1 living child. Sometimes I get sad when I see my son in awe over other babies.
Being sad is ok. You just have to be careful not to let your sadness turn into anger or bitterness because of your current situation. You can't dwell on the sadness or keep your mind focused on the "what if's", you have to keep moving forward. Don't allow what you consider a negative situation to be all that you think about! There are SO many blessings that we all have, daily! Focus on the positive things happening in life.
Nothing will every take the pain away that miscarriage and infertility brings. I won't ever forget what it was like to endure these things. But I can still be happy. I can still enjoy life, enjoy the moment and make memories.
I know that there is a bigger picture than what I am seeing and I know greater things are coming! I choose to enjoy the moments and embrace the journey that leads me to where I am going.
My appointment with the cardiologist went a lot better than I was expecting. The doctor wasn't given the original labs that showed high triglycerides (when they were 3446) and so when I handed him the printout of the lab results, he was beyond shocked. He had to leave the room to review those results after talking to me for a little bit to see what had changed during the time between results.
He ended up coming back in and verified a couple of things.
First, was the one thing that I've been convinced of since I saw those results and looked into them. He said he is almost 100% certain that the extended use of Clomid caused the levels to be that high. Second, he said that usually they skyrocket in patients like that who have a family history of high triglycerides. That combined with the fact that my last 2 draws have been very close pretty much confirmed that I do in fact have a family history of Hypertriglyceridemia (high triglycerides).
He reassured me that currently, there is no threat of heart disease or pancreatitis, as my levels aren't consistently high enough for that to be a worry.
So we're back to more waiting. I have to get my labs retested in 6 weeks to see if they are any better and depending on how those labs come back determines if we can resume and continue infertility treatment or if I will need to see a doctor who specifically specializes in Hypertriglyceridemia.
I'm ok with waiting now. Taking in all the moments, all the snuggles, everything that I can. Zion won't ever be the same age as he is today and I don't want to take anything for granted.
My appointment with the cardiologist went a lot better than I was expecting. The doctor wasn't given the original labs that showed high triglycerides (when they were 3446) and so when I handed him the printout of the lab results, he was beyond shocked. He had to leave the room to review those results after talking to me for a little bit to see what had changed during the time between results.
He ended up coming back in and verified a couple of things.
First, was the one thing that I've been convinced of since I saw those results and looked into them. He said he is almost 100% certain that the extended use of Clomid caused the levels to be that high. Second, he said that usually they skyrocket in patients like that who have a family history of high triglycerides. That combined with the fact that my last 2 draws have been very close pretty much confirmed that I do in fact have a family history of Hypertriglyceridemia (high triglycerides).
He reassured me that currently, there is no threat of heart disease or pancreatitis, as my levels aren't consistently high enough for that to be a worry.
So we're back to more waiting. I have to get my labs retested in 6 weeks to see if they are any better and depending on how those labs come back determines if we can resume and continue infertility treatment or if I will need to see a doctor who specifically specializes in Hypertriglyceridemia.
I'm ok with waiting now. Taking in all the moments, all the snuggles, everything that I can. Zion won't ever be the same age as he is today and I don't want to take anything for granted.
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