Infertility does not define you...
There have been SO many nights that I have cried myself to sleep. Where it hurts to even breathe, when I want to just get away from everything and hide, just to try and escape all of the emotions.
There’s been times when I laugh, share joy with and am genuinely happy for friends/family announcing their own pregnancies only to turn around and wonder “When is it my turn?” while choking back tears. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been mad at someone for announcing a pregnancy(why would I be?! It’s an incredible, miraculous thing to experience!) but I have caught myself being jealous, sad for myself because it was my hearts desire, wondering if it’ll ever be my turn, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I know that it isn’t about me.
Which is often times why I (and so many others) stay quiet. I don’t want to talk about what I’m going through because I don’t want others to feel as if I’m looking for attention or pity, because I’m not. I don’t want your pity, I don’t want to make others feel bad, and I don’t want attention because of this.
Someone once told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I needed to stop saying and acting like there was. Let me clarify that I’m not making anything up about what I’ve already been through or been going through.... If anything, I’m not giving complete justice to show just how difficult it is and has been.
Infertility is so incredibly difficult...it affects your confidence. It affects the mental, emotional, physical and yes, even spiritual parts of you. It’s emotionally draining, it’s mentally exhausting, the medication can give you some insane physical side effects and it can make you feel as if you are in a spiritual desert...
You can get some pretty random pieces of advice (most of the time it's unsolicited advice) and even though people mean well the majority of the time, it isn't always helpful advice.
One of the few pieces of advice that has actually helped is that it simply doesn’t define you & you can’t allow it to define you. It’s so much easier said than done, but it’s true. You can’t allow yourself to get bitter. You have to be happy and celebrate with others around yourself (there may be times that you even have to force yourself to go places, but at that point at least you went!) It will pass! It won’t always be easy, but it definitely won’t always be hard. Some days are easier than others & some are much more difficult, but you will make it!
Cry, but don’t forget to smile too. Grieve, but don’t forget to celebrate. Scream if you need to, but don’t forget to laugh as well.
My journey this far has been anything but easy, but it’s for a reason. I know one day I’ll be able to help someone who doesn’t have the support system and the help that I’ve had & she’ll need me.
And for that reason I wouldn’t trade any part of my journey. Even if it’s just one, she’s worth it all.
❤️
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