10 things not to say to your infertile friend
Infertility is tough...it is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever gone through. Sometimes people say things that they mean in the best way but sometimes, simple comments are actually pretty hurtful to those who are struggling with fertility.
I've compiled a list of 10 things, all of which have been said to me at one time or another, that are actually more hurtful than helpful.
1. "You're probably trying too hard. Just relax and it'll happen!" This is the most common one that I hear...Relaxing has nothing to do with infertility when it comes to me.
2. "Are you sure you're trying hard enough/doing it right?" I don't even want to comment on this one...I'm pretty sure we don't need any tips in this area.
3. "So who is it?" It's me but why does that even matter. Yes, we're trying to bring awareness to the issue, but that doesn't mean we want to share every aspect of it with everyone.
4. "Are you pregnant yet?" or "You still aren't pregnant?!" No and every time someone asks that it just rips your heart open even more.
5. "Why can't you do IVF?" Because most insurance in the US doesn't cover any infertility treatments, or at least not all costs. IVF is not a cheap solution...the average cost of one round of IVF is about $12,000 without medications needed, which can run an additional $3,000-$5,000 for one month. The success rate is about 25% each time so one should expect to spend about $48,000 (without medication) based on the projected number of cycles needed to obtain a live birth.
6. "You guys are young though!" Just because we're young doesn't make us immune to infertility. It can happen to anyone at any age.
7. "Have you tried (insert piece of random advice)?" Honestly, we've tried pretty much everything that one could recommend.
8. "This is what worked for me!" Great! I'm glad that worked for you, but different things work for different people.
9. "At least you already have one." Yes, thankfully we were blessed with Zion, but just because we have him doesn't mean that it makes infertility any easier the second time around.
10. "Are you sure there's anything wrong?" or even worse "There's nothing wrong with you." Honestly, this could be the worst thing I've ever been told. I have lab work that proves otherwise so if you are going to come at me with that I will politely brush you off.
You don't always have to have the right thing to say or even know what to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. It's better to just let them know that you're there rather than saying the wrong thing, even if not intentional.
I've compiled a list of 10 things, all of which have been said to me at one time or another, that are actually more hurtful than helpful.
1. "You're probably trying too hard. Just relax and it'll happen!" This is the most common one that I hear...Relaxing has nothing to do with infertility when it comes to me.
2. "Are you sure you're trying hard enough/doing it right?" I don't even want to comment on this one...I'm pretty sure we don't need any tips in this area.
3. "So who is it?" It's me but why does that even matter. Yes, we're trying to bring awareness to the issue, but that doesn't mean we want to share every aspect of it with everyone.
4. "Are you pregnant yet?" or "You still aren't pregnant?!" No and every time someone asks that it just rips your heart open even more.
5. "Why can't you do IVF?" Because most insurance in the US doesn't cover any infertility treatments, or at least not all costs. IVF is not a cheap solution...the average cost of one round of IVF is about $12,000 without medications needed, which can run an additional $3,000-$5,000 for one month. The success rate is about 25% each time so one should expect to spend about $48,000 (without medication) based on the projected number of cycles needed to obtain a live birth.
6. "You guys are young though!" Just because we're young doesn't make us immune to infertility. It can happen to anyone at any age.
7. "Have you tried (insert piece of random advice)?" Honestly, we've tried pretty much everything that one could recommend.
8. "This is what worked for me!" Great! I'm glad that worked for you, but different things work for different people.
9. "At least you already have one." Yes, thankfully we were blessed with Zion, but just because we have him doesn't mean that it makes infertility any easier the second time around.
10. "Are you sure there's anything wrong?" or even worse "There's nothing wrong with you." Honestly, this could be the worst thing I've ever been told. I have lab work that proves otherwise so if you are going to come at me with that I will politely brush you off.
You don't always have to have the right thing to say or even know what to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. It's better to just let them know that you're there rather than saying the wrong thing, even if not intentional.
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