What can you do?

With infertility, people who don’t have any idea what it’s like usually don’t know what they can do to help someone who is going through it. My answer is usually something along the lines of “There’s nothing that anyone can do that will help” however, that’s not entirely true.

When you go through infertility, the majority of the time your only desire is to have a child and so when people ask what they can do to help, your mind (mine does, at least) probably immediately jumps to “well, there’s nothing that any normal person could do that would help me achieve my ultimate goal of having a child.”

But I’ve come to realize that people aren’t meaning that when they ask how they can help. They’re asking about what they can do to help you cope, help make it easier during the time being, what they can do to help distract you (because we all know there’s a whole lot of waiting involved)!

Probably the thing that helps the most, in my experience, is just being there. Now I don’t mean physically next to them the entire time, but being there for them emotionally. Letting them talk to you about it, asking questions about results, doctor appointments or even just how they’re doing does way more than anyone would think. When I get texts asking about how an appointment went or what certain lab results mean, or even what the next steps are…it makes me feel like that person cares, like they genuinely want to know how things are going.

Honestly, I think the stigma of speaking about infertility stems from when we (people who suffer from it) try to talk about it and are met with people who become awkward or stand-off ish and then they don’t bother to contact us for periods of time. When that happens, it makes you feel like you did something wrong or like the other person doesn’t care enough about the situation or that you’re trying to make a big deal about something so trivial.

I understand that it may be awkward or uncomfortable to ask questions about infertility because you don’t quite know how to approach situations, but it’s not an easy thing for people suffering from it to talk about.

Personally, even though I know it isn’t true, infertility often times makes me feel like I’m that much less than every other woman. Suffering with secondary infertility doesn’t make it any better. I know I overcame infertility once and I have no idea why my body won’t just overcome it again. It makes me feel like I did something to deserve what I’m going through.

It’s not easy being the person who is suffering with infertility. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to continue to set myself up for heartbreak month after month. It’s the WORST when you get a positive pregnancy test and show your husband but then you both realize that you have to keep your guard up because you never know if it will still be positive a week from that day. Or when you question whether you should even tell him because you know what he’s going to say…that you both don’t believe that it’s really a true test because you’ve lost however many pregnancies after a positive test just like the one you currently have in your hand. That one positive test isn’t enough proof. That you have to have lab results from the doctor…and even then you doubt it’ll still be there until you see the ultrasound and you see the little heartbeat flicker like crazy.

People don’t get it and I understand that. I’m not asking people to grasp the emotions. I’m not asking people to feel bad because of what we all go through….

My point is this: how can you expect someone who is suffering from infertility to reach out to you time and time again, giving updates or wanting to talk to you about it when you can’t even take 5 seconds out of your day to ask about results, how they’re doing (on ANY given day), asking about doctor appointments or simply telling them that you’re there for them if they want to/need to talk about it.

When it comes to giving out updates, I give them out to the people who I can tell genuinely want to know & text me in-between those events. Unfortunately, there are also people who ask for updates and then go say things to other people, and it sucks to say that I’ve had my fair share of that. It’s not like we can’t tell…we can tell. I can tell when people really care and want to know vs when people want to know so that they can go say things to other people about it.

I'm not trying to beg for more support from people who aren't being supportive...it doesn't phase me any. If you're there, I'm more than thankful that you are but if you aren't then you're just not. I have a GREAT support team behind me as it is.I'm trying to draw attention to the subject as a whole and help people who don't know how to support their loved ones who are going through infertility. 

Infertility isn’t a walk in the park…it just plain sucks.

Knowing that you have people supporting you is the best thing that one could have. It's something that every person should have! Infertility is stressful to the max. Not only physically and emotionally but mentally and definitely financially.

Did you know that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments because they are considered “elective procedures” so the majority of the time the entire cost is completely out of pocket? That includes consults, labs, tests, surgeries, procedures, medications needed, etc. It isn't just a simple copay either...there was a specialist that I was scheduled to see and the New Patient fee was $350...for a single 1 hour appointment. On top of that, most of the time, for almost all of the clinics that I looked into the cost has to be paid upfront in full before they will even see you for the test/surgery/procedure.

Something as simple as letting them know that they're on your mind can make their entire day. Don’t take offense if they don’t respond. Some days we feel on top of the world while other days we feel like it’s one thing after another and we just can’t catch a break.

I know there’s been days where I can’t hardly pick up my phone and look at it without crying for whatever reason. On those days I take a while to respond to messages (if at all that day) or phone calls. Some days we just need space and we need to take in everything that we are already blessed with in life.

 But reach out. Let it be known that you are there. Ask how their day is going. Because you never know how bad their day might be and the simplicity of getting a text from you could change their entire day.

Again, for those who are supporting me…it honestly means the WORLD to me! I’m so thankful to be blessed with so many people behind me during this time, encouraging me! You all are the absolute BEST!