Sometimes life sucks but it'll get better

I've been putting off a post like this, over and over again, but I can't fight it anymore.

When it pertains to infertility for me....life surrounding it kind of just sucks right now.

I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm emotionally drained. I'm just tired of going through this.

I got some lab results back from my Dr yesterday and it wasn't too good. It wasn't horrible but I think we all pretty much expected much better results than what I got. It's come to the point where they aren't expecting the best outcome but they are hopeful. However, I've pretty much exhausted my options at my current Dr so I will more than likely be moving onto a fertility specialist.

My lab results are just starting to confuse everyone involved and they aren't making sense.

Hearing that confusion & not knowing why things are happening (or not happening really) is unnerving. It's disappointing. I'm having horrible symptoms that portray the medicine doing it's job, but I turn around and the lab work is stating less than optimal results...

There's this constant cycle when you deal with infertility. It doesn't always happen in the same order & it can happen at any time. Denial, yearning, searching, anger/guilt & shame, fear & doubt, depression/sadness & finally acceptance.

Once you come to the acceptance stage doesn't mean that you stay in that stage though.

There is a lot of hopping around & you can be in more than one stage at the same time even.

I had to take a break from posting because I want to be that positive, upbeat person all the time, but the truth is... I'm not. I know it's ok to not be okay, but sometimes you just have to take some time to yourself and come to that realization again.

I don't want to be emotionally exhausted. I want to not cry. I don't want to have to think about infertility. Have to think about what treatments we could do & afford. How long we're willing to try with other treatments. How many injections comes with it.

(If you know me you know that I HATE needles!)

I wish I knew how much longer this was going to last. How much longer I would have to be emotionally invested into the constant rollercoaster. I wish I didn't care anymore...

I've cried just about every day this past week...and by cry I don't mean just a few glistening tears. I'm talking like I don't remember the last time that I ever cried that hard.

Right now I just can't do some things. If you haven't been through this you probably won't fully understand, and I don't expect you to, but there are some things that are too difficult to do right now.

For example: I have 2 sisters, both of which I'm incredibly close to and love VERY much, that are pregnant, due about a month apart. One of them just moved back here & I haven't seen her in person since August. I want to see her SO bad...I miss her SO SO much, but I just can't right now. I'm SO incredibly happy for her & her family, but emotionally I can't do it right now.

Thankfully I have the best sisters in the world & she understands this, but it hurts my heart knowing that & knowing that she wants to see me too. I know that she's there for me & that she would be okay with me coming to see her and being in tears while I'm there, but I don't want to make anyone feel like their happiness is making me sad/mad at them.

I've been blessed to actually have been pregnant the same time as another one of my sisters & it was so amazing! I just want to experience it again...I wanted to go through everything together.

This is just how life is right now... I try not to let others see how it's affecting me &

try to avoid all the questions. 

I'm sitting here eating Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Raspberry squares for breakfast because I can't sleep anymore & laying in bed just causes me to think about it more. 

Surrounding infertility, life isn't ok right now but that's okay. My husband is here for me. My parent's are here for me & my family is here for me. 

I may not be 100% right now but life will go on and I will get past this.